Desiring the will of God in our weakness

“God, what should I do? What should I do?” It was 2018 and I was working as a nurse. I was not yet a religious sister, but I was a Catholic laywoman and I had just been asked to administer an oral contraceptive to a patient. I knew the Church teaches that contraception is gravely wrong, and harmful to the human person. But I wanted to be admired at my job and was anxious not to be seen as different. 

I sat at a desk in a back room with the contraceptive pills in one hand and my head in the other hand, as I frantically “asked God” what to do. The problem was, I did not really want to do God’s Will. St. Ignatius of Loyola says that to discern the Will of God, one must first be willing to do the Will of God. I was not.  

In my head, I came up with a million excuses to justify my actions. Needless to say, I compromised on my Faith and gave the contraception. Sometime later, when I finally asked God's forgiveness in confession, it all became so clear and simple. All I had to do was let my charge nurse know that I was a Catholic and could not administer those pills. What she chose to do was not my business, but for me to do the right thing in that moment was actually very simple. In my efforts to conform God’s Will to mine, though, and to be just like everybody else, everything became too complicated for me to see the right thing clearly.  

I often think about that day, because I still struggle to do the right thing in my everyday life as a religious sister. I’m shy around strangers, and yet Jesus has called me to a life where I encounter strangers every day in the parish, food pantry, and soup kitchen. It’s hard for me to speak up, and yet I have been asked to serve as a teacher in our school and church. The graces of many confessions over the years have given me more fortitude than I had before, but I still like to be liked and it is still hard to be seen as different. But, a Christian is different. “You cannot serve both God and mammon.” I cannot be of Christ and of the world. It has to be one or the other.  

As a religious sister, Jesus has given me the gift of being clothed in a habit and veil as a visible reminder of this. Around the time I entered religious life, I was praying one day with the Gospel story of the sinful woman who washed Jesus’ feet with her tears. I was imagining myself as the woman, and was shedding tears over yet another personal failure in Christian fortitude. In my mind’s eye, Jesus suddenly surprised me by reaching down, picking me up, and setting me on the bench right next to Him. “Just stay here right next to me,” He said. “Everybody will see that you are with me, and you won’t be able to deny me anymore.” 

As His spouse, I have the joy of living my life right at His side. When people see me, they think of Him. Although my motivation in entering religious life was simply a response to His tender love for me, the more I grow in self-knowledge, the more I wonder if I could ever have been saved in any other way. Jesus has given me a gentle soul, but with that comes a unique weakness and struggle to be courageous. The visible sign of my religious habit has saved me over and over again from denying Him and helped me to witness to the Truth even when I had no courage. Even if I say not a single word, everybody can see that I belong to Him. And, when I still fall despite all of the grace Jesus gives me, it reminds me that He didn’t choose me because I was so virtuous, smart and quick-witted. He chose me simply because He loves me, and if He loves someone as little and weak as me, then there is nobody He can’t love.  

I am so grateful for His daily, merciful love towards me. When I fall now, I just try to smile up at Him once again and get back up. I have come to realize that it’s in faithfulness to the little things and the present moment that I can become a saint. Jesus is not giving me the fortitude for all my future battles right now, but He is giving me the strength and fortitude for the battle of this present moment. Please pray for me to be faithful to His grace!