Life-Giving Wounds

Recently, the name of an upcoming diocesan retreat at Maryvale Retreat Center near Valley City caught my attention. It was the Life-Giving Wounds retreat. It was such an interesting name that I immediately needed to ask a coworker what it was.

Life-Giving Wounds is a ministry for adult children of divorce or separation. While this may sound like a niche group of people, the numbers say otherwise. We are living in an unprecedented time of familial brokenness, and there is an urgent need today for healing and addressing these wounds.

Founders of the ministry, Dr. Daniel and Bethany Meola, recently published the book Life-Giving Wounds: A Catholic Guide to Healing for Adult Children of Divorce or Separation. In it, they state this statistic, “Every single year, over a million children in the United States experience the divorce of their parents, and one-quarter of all young adults in the U.S. are children of divorce. Add to that the growing number of people whose parents never married but later separated, and we reach a startling statistic: ‘less than half of the children in the United States today will grow up in a household with continuously married parents.’ And that doesn’t account for the burgeoning phenomenon of ‘gray divorce,’ when parents call it quits after their children are grown” (p. 21).

Dr. Daniel and Bethany Meola met at the Pontifical John Paul II Institute for Studies on Marriage and the Family in Washington, D.C. They’ve been married 12 years and live in Bowie, Maryland with their two daughters. Dan is an adult child of divorce, and through many twists and turns, the Holy Spirit put it on his and Bethany’s hearts to found an outreach to others like Dan looking for support, guidance, and healing from the heart of our faith for the family wounds like the ones he experienced.

“The name ‘Life-Giving Wounds’ was inspired in part by 1 Peter 2:24, ‘By his wounds you have been healed,’” said Bethany. “Our ministry draws much inspiration from the Christian teaching of redemptive suffering, which tells us that God can transform any suffering or wound into something life-giving for ourselves and others. We encourage those we serve to allow Christ into the most wounded parts of their hearts, trusting that he can bring his peace and healing there, and show us how our suffering is not meaningless.”

Despite the many adult children of divorce in the United States, until Life-Giving Wounds began, there was no Catholic ministry provided specifically for them. While individual situations vary widely, many adult children of divorce experience a “wound of silence,” where they’ve been told (explicitly or implicitly) that their pain doesn’t “count” or shouldn’t be voiced for various reasons.

“Many have heard much ‘divorce happy talk’ in their lives,” said Bethany, “spinning their parents’ split positively—‘you get two Christmases!’ etc. The wound of silence, not having someone who can truly receive their grief and authentic emotions about their family’s breakdown, paralyzes the healing process and makes it harder to accept and grieve how devastating the split of your parents is.”
          
Many adult children of divorced parents can also struggle with anxiety and fear about relationships, dramatically altering their vision of love, marriage, and family. Many did not see their parents’ live married love until “death do us part” but rather “for now.” This can create a false image of what a healthy marriage can be.
           
“For many, the possibility of a joyful marriage seems hopelessly out of reach. Is it any wonder that the marriage rate has fallen dramatically in recent decades, and that only 30 percent of young adults are married today, the lowest percentage ever recorded in the United States?” (p. 122).
Healing can be a long and complicated journey, with setbacks and disappointments along the way. We may think we are unaffected by our wounds or that we are simply “broken” beyond repair. But just as Jesus heals the blind man, the leper, and the lame, he can heal us to experience ever greater joy if we humbly seek his healing.

The upcoming April 19–21 retreat at Maryvale Retreat Center near Valley City is the first Life-Giving Wounds retreat in the area. This ministry honors the pain of men and women from broken homes and offers a path of spiritual healing through Christ’s healing, mercy, and love.

“One main goal of Life-Giving Wounds is launching local chapters around the country and the world,” said Bethany. “We’re thrilled to be doing that in the Diocese of Fargo this spring. Our retreats are places where adult children of divorce or separation can come and receive specific attention for whatever wounds or hurts are on their heart because of their parents’ divorce or split. The leaders are all adult children of divorce themselves who ‘get it.’ The retreat includes insightful, personal talks on topics like grieving, growing in trust of others, forgiveness, family boundaries, dealing with anger and anxiety, and more. There will be ample opportunities for prayer, journaling, and going to the source of healing in the sacraments and adoration.”

Bethany encourages anyone who is hesitant to attend the retreat to be open to the “more” the Lord wants for them, whether it’s finding greater peace in challenging family situations, growing closer to God the Father, or addressing how coming from a broken home has affected one’s own relationships. The season of Lent begins Feb. 14. As a spiritual exercise, consider bringing your wounds to Jesus in prayer and ask if he is inviting you to experience greater healing through this retreat.

“We believe this ministry is needed because adult children of divorce need a supportive, faith-filled place to grieve their losses, share with others who understand this pain, and discover ways to move forward with greater peace, hope, and joy,” said Bethany. “Our retreats are gentle and compassionate. We meet people where they’re at on their healing journey and walking together toward a more joyful life.”

Throughout the Life-Giving Wounds: A Catholic Guide to Healing for Adult Children of Divorce or Separation, Bethany also shares her experience as someone from an intact home married to someone from a divorced home and how those from intact home can bless family and friends from broken homes. Often healing can start with a compassionate friend who genuinely wants to listen and learn without immediately providing a silver lining.

“We’ve learned so much in our marriage about grieving together and healing together, and we know that many couples have this ‘mixed’ experience,” said Bethany. “Men and women from intact homes can bless their friends and family members from broken homes by first, being someone who can ‘receive the wound’ and make space for emotions, story, and voice. We can help raise awareness as a culture of how damaging divorce is to children, that it’s not a quick fix or something easy to ‘get over,’ to help grow a culture where marriages last.”