Will you give your desire for children to me? | Infertility and the desire for fulfillment

Will you give your desire for children to me? 

That was the question I heard Jesus asking me one morning at Sts. Anne and Joachim Church in Fargo. I was contemplating the posture of a statue of Jesus to the right of the sanctuary. Both hands are held out, waiting for me to place my hands in his. 

My reply to his question was, Well, Jesus, do you want the right answer or the honest answer? 

I felt that the right answer would be to say, yes, of course, you are the fulfillment of all desire. I give all my desires to you. 

But the honest answer that day was a big no. 

At this point, my husband and I had been trying to conceive a child for about a year. We were both in our mid-30s and knew before we were married that we may have some difficulties conceiving. After a few doctor visits, those difficulties were confirmed but were by no means definitive. It was still possible for us to have children, but after hitting that one-year mark, the possibility started to feel lower and lower. 

I found myself gazing at that statue every few weeks where Jesus would gently ask the same question. Slowly, my answer changed from no, to maybe, to yes, but only if you tell me what your plan is. What will our lives look like? My husband and I were considering more options, including NaPro (Natural Procreative) Technology restorative surgeries through Pope Paul VI Institute to rule out endometriosis or other complications. We knew couples who chose these options and were blessed with healthy pregnancies and babies as a result. 

While restorative methods are consistent with Catholic teaching and we recognized they may be helpful in our case, my husband and I discerned that God wasn’t calling us to this. Every time the topic came up in conversation, we were both left feeling sad, uneasy, and frustrated. Whenever I went to Sts. Anne and Joachim, I encountered Jesus’s love concerning my fertility in a particular way that ultimately brought hope and peace. I began making my visits to this place in prayer more frequent, sensing that Jesus wanted to work something out in my heart. 

Six months later, I could finally authentically say to Jesus, yes, I give my desire for children to you. 

A few months after that, my husband and I were surprised to find I was pregnant, but that’s not the reason why I share this story. 

God reaches out to us and loves us as individuals. How he speaks and acts in one person’s life may have similarities to others, but it won’t be exactly the same. God knows us so intimately and desires our salvation so deeply that he will speak and act in just the way that we need to ultimately draw us closer to him. His timing may not always feel perfect, but through scripture, we know God has a specific plan for each of us, his children. 

If my husband and I were able to conceive a child right when we wanted, I would not have experienced the freedom that Jesus wanted to give me. I was free from the feeling that I was unworthy of motherhood or that my life would be less meaningful if I wasn’t a mother with my own biological children. I was free from feeling “less than” when I saw large families at Mass. I was free from the looming disappointment every month. I was free from the guilt of not doing more to make this dream a reality. That time wrestling with Jesus over my desire brought a different kind of life that I hadn’t anticipated. 

I’m now thankful for those two years of waiting. I can recognize God’s wisdom in allowing my husband and me to strengthen our marriage before the difficulties of pregnancy and eventually caring for an infant. 

If you carry the particular cross of infertility, see the article Seven considerations while navigating infertility. (Below.) Check these out while allowing me to add three more considerations to the list. 

1. Recognize that your desire for children is real and good. God did not plant this desire on your heart just to vengefully withhold it from you. Seek to understand how God is moving in your heart today and how he might be using that desire to draw you closer to him.
2. Pray for those also experiencing infertility. Each night my husband and I continue to pray for couples that experience infertility, pregnancy, and new parenthood. Before pregnancy, this practice reminded us that were not alone in our journey and helped us rejoice in the good news of others rather than being jealous.
3. Be aware of any tendency in your heart to grasp for solutions. The movements of God brings peace and security, not anger, resentment, or despair. Bring all your thoughts and emotions to God and ask him to bring you clarity and healing from any wounds you’ve endured during your journey with infertility. Strive to learn and follow the Catholic Church’s teachings on sexuality, fertility, and life.

For more resources on navigating through infertility, visit www.fargodiocese.org/infertility. For a concise overview of the teachings of the Church on infertility, see Catechism of the Catholic Church, nos. 2373–2379. 

Seven considerations while navigating infertility
By United States Conference of Catholic Bishops 

We often assume parenthood happens easily after “I do,” but for many married couples, it does not. For some, the joy of conception never happens. Others suffer repeated miscarriages. Still others experience secondary infertility: after giving birth to one or more children, they are unable to have another. 

The pain can become overwhelming. Social media posts of pregnancies, baby announcements, or pictures of newborns may intensify feelings of being alone in the ache for a child. Attending baby showers and being around children or pregnant women can be excruciating. 

If you experience difficulty bringing a child into your family, know that you are not alone. God is with you, and his Church desires to walk with you. The following suggestions may be helpful to you on this journey. 

1. Start with prayer: God has a beautiful plan for your life as a married couple. Seek his guidance, and let the healing power of prayer, a conversation in which “heart speaks unto heart,” strengthen you. Pope Francis encouraged us to pray not only with commonly known prayers, “but also to pray in our own words.”
    
2. Connect with others: A mentorship, a faith-based support group, or spiritual direction can offer comfort and provide new perspectives. Sharing your struggles with family, friends, or a therapist can also help ease the pain. Ask the saints for their intercession, and reflect upon the biblical stories of Sarah and Abraham, Hannah and Elkanah, and Elizabeth and Zechariah.
    
3. Seek to understand the Church’s teaching: The sexual act expresses the marital covenant, repeating over and over again, “I give myself to you entirely, unreservedly, holding nothing back.” In this mutual gift of self, so all-encompassing that it includes their potential for procreation, a husband and wife are united as one, giving full expression to their love. These two aspects of sexuality, the unitive and the procreative, are intertwined and are not meant to be separated.

Suppressing the possibility of conception (i.e., contraceptive use) and creating life outside the marital sexual act (i.e., use of some reproductive technologies) both work against God’s plan for married love and the gift of life. Pope Francis explained that “a child deserves to be born of that love” expressed between a husband and wife in intercourse, “and not by any other means, for ‘he or she is not something owed… but is a gift.’”
 

4. Learn the difference between ethical and unethical interventions: Applying the Church’s teaching means that, in short, procedures that introduce a third party into the process (such as surrogates or sperm/egg donors) are not morally acceptable. Additionally, substituting a laboratory action or anything else for intercourse, such as artificial insemination or in vitro fertilization (IVF), is also morally unacceptable. However, treatments that help facilitate conception through marital intercourse are morally ethical.
    
5. Be aware of “treatments” that destroy life: Some procedures are problematic for multiple reasons. For example, beyond its unethical nature (as per the previous section), in vitro fertilization (IVF) often involves the tragic loss of human life. Children in the embryonic stage are frequently discarded—or frozen—without ever being implanted into their mother’s womb. And if multiple babies are implanted, doctors may suggest performing a “fetal reduction” by killing one or more to increase the survival chances of the strongest child in utero. While a baby might eventually be born, his or her tiny siblings may be destroyed in the process.
    
6. Make a plan: Do you know there are medical options consistent with Church teaching that have statistically significantly higher rates of achieving pregnancy than IVF? Learn about these, fertility awareness practices, and other treatments that also respect your marriage and any children who may be conceived. If you have sought to bring a child into your family through ways not in keeping with God’s plan for life and married love, have hope. The Lord welcomes us in the Sacrament of Reconciliation, where we can receive the loving mercy and forgiveness we each need. With prayer and an informed conscience, work together as a couple to create a plan that takes into consideration the desire for children along with moral principles, finances, medical realities, and your overall well-being (both individually and as a couple). Locate a trained specialist or doctor who honors your plan and has training in methods of assistance that are in keeping with Church teaching.
    
7. Keep your marriage healthy: Handling the uncertainties of infertility is a challenge for even the strongest marriages. Once engaged in treatment, it can become easy to focus more on the process than on each other. However, communication and mutual decision-making are vital. Staying intimately connected can help make it easier to manage lifestyle changes, reordering of priorities, physical discomfort, career disruption, and difficulties with insensitive people.

Hold fast to the constant truth of God’s love for you. “To couples who cannot have children of their own,” St. John Paul II affirmed, “you are no less loved by God; your love for each other is complete and fruitful when it is open to others” and their needs. In times of suffering, Pope Francis noted, “we sense a powerful need for someone to be close and feel compassion for us.” You are not alone: “Jesus ‘does not abandon those whom he loves.’” 

Even if we ourselves do not experience difficulty bearing children, we can be channels of God’s mercy for those who do.